Things have been going so well lately that I knew they had to be coming to an end. My friend is talking to me again, but things still aren't great. My thing now is the slap in the face of reality.

I was really falling for a guy (and its more and more every day..). Relationships never work out for me and I have no idea why I thought this one might. He probably doesn't even give a shit bout me and from what I know he has a girlfriend and doesn't that just make things peachy. I really enjoy talking with him and hanging out and everything, so therefore I am really looking forward to the coming few days.

You are probably thinking well that's no biggie. Well, for me it is. It's HUGE!!!! Plus, this weekend should be very special for me and I should be looking forward to my 18th birthday. Don't you agree? Birthday's are usually fun and happy events. Well, considering that practically every year my BEST FRIENDS forget (and like hell I am going to remind them...) and it just plain sucks. I never have a party, or have a good time. I always end up alone or trying to help somebody out with their problems when I just wanna scream at them to go to hell. It's not nice I know, but frankly.... I am always there for people and I always put them first. Then when something happens... I think that I should come first for at least ONE day of the freaking year! Everything always comes down to helping others, doing what they want, etc etc etc. Just because I am a good friend and I don't wanna fuck things up like I normally do. But for once, can't a gilr have a good day, free of bullshit *ahem*, free of other peoples problems, and just have a good time? I just want it to be good. I want people to remember. I don't want to wait around asking myself if they did remember. Then I look back and I remember the people that have invited me to their parties. They invite you so you have to bring a present. But do you get anything back when it's your turn? Well, maybe the rest of the world does, but I sure as hell don't.

I know that nobody reads this and I don't give a shit. This is for me, and in some once in a life time chance that somebody is actually reading this and heaven forbid actually cares... for you other people. If you care on here, why don't you care in real life? Like seriously. Ok, so I don't care if I get anything because there is only one thing that I want (whihc happens to be a certain someone) and I can't have it. So there is no point in even hoping. But if you are reading this, and this has reminded you. Please try to remember until Sunday when it becomes vital. Even saying the world will do. For me.... all I want is a hug. That would do me for I know that I won't get anything else. All I want is a hug from that certain person that doesn't even realise that I exist, but if he does, then he certainly doesn;t give a shit. But if he does, then he certainly hides it well and I hope that he stops hiding it because it is slowly killing me.

Ha, if there is anything left to kill inside me. All the people that have lied to me, betrayed me, used me, left, etc etc etc etc etc etc etc. Thay have all done a wicked job of murdering my very soul. But you know what, there is one peice of me left. And it belongs to you. It is special because it is all I have left. And it is special because it hold all of my growing love (surprising that I m even still capable of it..) for you.

Now that I have rambled (not that it matters because nobody reads this trash!!!), I suppose I shall go now......

I'm not really sure what is exactly going on right now. It seems that everything is just falling apart and I should have seen it coming. For some reason, one of my good friends is avoiding me and has been since I have been staying in town. Ok, since March break when they supposably couldn't get a hold of me. They won't talk to me and won't barely even come near me and I have no idea why. This doesn't really surprise me considering that they won't tell me anything anymore and every time that I turn around they are pissed off at me (or seemingly me) and I have done nothing. The least that they could do would to be to tell me what I have done or what they think that I have done. That would be a huge help don't you think?

Another good friend of mine is having a lot of problems and doesn't like to talk about them or even face the fact that they even have a problem. It is really har because she helps me so much and I can't help her. She doesn't want help and nobody even really knows what her problems are. I really want to help her and it really hurts seeing her like this. I know that I could help if I knew what was going on.

Well, class is almost over so I have to be going. I will post the rest later on while I am at art club.

Ok, so it's art club and I must say, I am really looking forward to finishing what I started tonight. I am just in love with it! Yall will see it when it's done. No worries. :-) Ok, so anyways..... Nothing has gotten sorted out with my friends. In fact, it got even more obvious that something was wrong at the end of the day. I just don't understand it and it is driving me nuts!! But on a good note, I got that damned speech over with with a grade of 97. Yes, you read me right. I practically freaked out and almost passed out and almost blew the whole thing, but thanks to Joey I got through it (I memorized the whole 2nd half last class thanks to her!). So now it's over with and I feel so much better. With that out of the way, this week will be a heck of a lot better.:-) Well, except for friends....That I can't fix or get it over with... Unfortunatly.

So anyways, I'm done now.:-)

I know it's been awhile, so I am going to try and fill in the blanks. I am having trouble with the computer at the house so am trying to get everything done at school. That is pretty hard to do with everything being blocked!!!

So anyways, last weekend was the Truro dog show and talk about a weekend!!! Cedar's first real time out as a special and he took the breed both days!! He was showing amazing and I am so happy with the way that he is looking. I am really looking forward to this coming weekend.

I showed other dogs and they all did very good as well. I worked with other as well. Min showed up with Jimmy which was totally awesome!!! She had her first experience with running around with a big dog (Cedar). I also got to hang out with Jess and Dustin all weekend which was great fun!

I was really looking forward to the show for a major couple of reasons. One being getting to hang out with certain people, the other being that I wouldn't have to deal with a lot of shit from a person that you are all very familiar with (unfortunatly).To my great pleasure *eye roll* they did show up where I was thinking and hoping that they would not. Thankfully, they left me alone but decided to be themselves towards the end of Saturday and really pushed it on Sunday. All I have to say to them if they are reading this, is don't even bother. There is no point in wasting your time or mine. Keep away from me and your business to yourself. You know what I think of you and you should know by now that I am not going to put up with your shit. And whatever you may have planned to piss me off or get yourself in in certain places, just forget it. There is no point. I am sick of you and your twisted ways and you don't bother me anymore. I am doing my own thing, you can't stop me or change things.

Now that that is over with. I am really looking forward to Pictou this weekend. I am staying down with Jean and have a wicked line up of dogs to show and will be working with more for later on this year. Of course, there is that whole people being there part that makes it extra awesome and a certain day that I am hoping everybody remembers... ;-)

Well, found out I forgot a bunch of stuff at home, but Gram is coming into town today so she can bring some stuff. It's been great getting into town. I love it here! I'm not going to want to leave. Only downside is that I can't get into my e-mail very much. They blocked it at school and I haven't found a way to get around it yet. So if you really need me, try my springsport@hotmail one or the other. what ever! :-P I will slowly get into it (laptop got hooked up last night) and I will try when I go home on Thursday. Wait that's tomorrow! WOOHOO! We are going home to get stuff for thr weekend. I need show clothes and all that fun stuff and clothes for next week too.

It is really crazy, but I am seriously excited for the show this weekend! It is Cedar's first time out as a Special, and I have a really good line up of dogs. It should be a really fun show. Plus, some of my friends are going to try and show up. That will be wicked cool! Normally I don't really have any people my own age to hang out with and talk with. I know I've brought some of you along from time to time, but admit it... it's not your thing and you were bored as hell!

School sucks... We just got back from March Break and already I have so many tests and I have to memorize a speech... You all know how good I am at public speaking. Ok, just stuff that I am suppose to remember. If it's just me talking, let me go to er! But yeah, and Mister Anal Retentive is back in school now with an added art club tonight. Art class last period then until 9pm..... Won't this be so much fun??? Yeah right.. I want nothing to do with him anymore. I am just so sick of his antics.

I took some pictures of me and Willie (the Cairn) last night and will have those posted somewhere soon. I think they are on the 50megs site... so if you want them you will have to ask.

I'm not on MSN for ahwile. It's not on the laptops and I can only get onto it at school when there isn't a teacher watching me, so don't be looking for me. I'll have the cell turned on till 9pm tonight. So if ya wanna talk, call me. You know the cell number. And if you don't.... where have you been? Anyways, if you don't, call home and you'll get it from them. They should be home. I don't know the number at the townhouse so don't even ask. If you don't know my home phone, screw ya. Your loss! LMAO:-P

I think that makes up for all I've missed writing, don't ya think? Ciao!

I think I feel somewhat better now..... :-S Still mad as can be expected, but hey. Thats life. I am house sitting now and I love it! Thye have two dogs who are just the sweetest! And to top it I am close to the rest of the world. :-P LMAO! Unfortunatly, today was back to school..... GRRRRRRR. Wasn't tooooooooo bad. Except for PreCal but that's nothing new. So Anywho..... life is a bore. :-P Ciao!

They always said there was a calm after a storm. Thankfully, it is true after the hellish day yesterday. Today, I went to Pictou and spent all day with Cedar. By are we gonna knock a lot of socks off when we show up in the ring! I;m tellin ya! He is looking so good I almost passed out. I was told he was gonna be goofin around on the lead because he is so happy to be out, but he surprised me. He was moving like a dream, and for once in his life freestacking!! Go Cedar!!!! :-D So this made things mostly better. Well, and the fact that I survived the trip TO Pictou and my interaction and words at a double bed transfer truck.... Grr did he ever boil me. But yeah, I am really excited about this coming weekend and the next of course cause it's that grand day (thouh many of you do not know nor care). I won't be home this week, I was just told. I will be staying in Truro. YAY for no 1hour long drives!!!

Oh by, here I go. We'll start with yesterday as it was great fun. Jean and I left the kennel for the say and went to Halifax. Did a little shopping,then went to Boston Pizza! I'd never been there, so that was great! :-D Got back, and there was a message waiting saying that a puppy needed a haircut. It ended up being the one that I had fallen in love with a little over a month ago while I was there. So luckily she was able to come out last night and she remembered me. We had a ball!

Then comes today... Today was the day that I was coming back home. Everything was great. Had done lots of grooming, training. It was just peachy. Mom showed up and brought in my mail. Ended up being my Zone finals letter. Zones are NOT being held along with a show so nobody is going to be there, they are NEXT MONTH and to top it off, it is the SAME weekend as when I was supposed to be going to Springfield!!! Mom then tells me that she had made arrangements for me to go down and Jean was going to send Desi (Cocker that is just AWESOME) along with me to show and kick butt with. Now i have to tell Lynne that I can;t go, I mean.. this is my LAST chance at finals and I have been wanting this too bad to turn it up. I hate this! I have to choose and I don;t want to. I feel like shit! They had it all arranged, and what a damn surprise (and a good one) that would be!

I got nothing... I am so bored and so tired that I have nothing to say. Ok, so maybe I do. :-P Though you were gonna get away with it eh? Don't be thinking so!!!! You know me, I ALWAYS have something to say. :-D HAHAHAHAH. So yeah, still playing with puppies. We're goin into town tomorrow. Yippeeee!! Though getting a shower is going to be a bitch. :-S Something's wrong with the pump and softener or something like that? What fun.... On the other hand, things seem to be going good with that certain someone I was talking about earlier. I still don;t think they have any idea of what is going on. If they do, they are being very cruel about keeping me hanging like this. It's driving me nuts! But things are better, so I guess I should take that with as much grace as I can muster and deal with it and hope to move up the ladder from there. I'm off for American Idol! BooYa! :-P

I've fallen behind already.. but can you blame me?

Sunday we did a puppy eval- that did NOT go over very well, but then we didn't expect it to. Got back to the kennel and we'd lost 2puppies... very sad. Then trip to the vets on Monday for one of the old ladies. After that, the puppied from the eval showed up, and boy did I hear about Sunday. GRRRRRRRRR!!!!! Woman.......!! Today was work work work. Grooming dogs and doing training. Good fun. Better then the past few days thats for sure.

Other than that and the fact that I am totally drained... I'm still completely confused, etc etc. What fun....

Today was... well, I can't really put it into words. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. I'll try but don't bug me if it doesn't work out so good.

Today was Lana's wedding. Talk about beautiful! I was balling almost first thing. John was almost in tears at the sight of her, and that just ended it for me. I've always despised love (yes I know, I'm a real sucker for it too) only because I've never seen the real stuff, aka: not me, nor anyone close to me. Things always seem to go badly... But when I saw that look of devotion on his face, and just their whole attitude, and their stories... I don't hate it anymore. I've never been so happy for somebody yet been screaming in sadness at the same time. I wish Lana and John all the best, as I know they will.

I know that I should be happy, but I can't help thinking or feeling. When I saw her father give her away, I realised that I will never have that. Nor will I ever have the father/daughter dance. All of that family, being there supporting them, I don't have that either. But mostly, that other someone. I can't describe them... they were just amazing together. I can only hope that someday, that kind of relationship comes my way. That I can find that true happiness, completeness.