Merry Christmas? What the hell is that... Merry my ass. Happiest time of the year for who? I certainly don't know! More like living hell!
I feel like total shit and I can blame it completely on one person and they have the fucking nerve to call me today. Isn't life bad enough without you fucking trying to weave your way back into an ancient picture thats been burned? Just go away!!! I don't need any more fucking stress ontop of everything that is going on.

Ya know, I kinda thought my family would be happy that it looked like I might actually for once have somewhat of a life, and yet here I am again, WRONG! Of course I didn't want to be there for dinner today, yall eat like cows! I wanna be with a family. Look up the definition on that one. My family is that of my own choosing, not of blood. Because blood relations can all bite! You've all been nothing but a pain, I can't stand it.

Things were looking up for awhile, and I admit I was the happiest girl on earth. *KABOOM!* My life goes straight back to hell. Do I know what is going on? Of course not, I never know! Confused? Hell yes!
All my life I have pushed people away because, yes I have issues that I need to deal with which are slowly being solved. And now, for the one time in my life that I actually want to know somebody, to not fuck up, to actually be happy! not just the daily mask that so many of you seem to think is the real me. I have no idea what is going on. Anytime that I hope for something, it blows up in my face. So am I hoping? Of course I am, I can't help it. But will it last? Nothing ever lasts... The greatest thing that has ever happened to me and I have no idea what is going on.
I know that I am not the only person with issues, and nobody knows about them. But do I flaunt it? no. Do I try to explain? Yes! I just want to understand... I want clear explanations. A movie-esc life script where I can predict the ending, and I know that everything will be alright. But this isn't a movie, and this isn't a typical life.

What the hell am I talking about.... I have no clue...:( I have a life-because I have a pulse. I have a family-small due to circumstances but still a family. Jesus... I have no idea where I am going with this.
This probably seems totally off the wall, but yall don't read this shit anyways so it doesn't really matter. I am just clearing my head. Well, trying to anyways.

Lets try this again. Things aren't going so great at the moment, but in ways, things couldn't be better. For once in my life, I experienced a moment of happiness that will last forever no matter what happens. A brief but shining moment giving a sliver of hope to a very dark world. Should this leave, I won't regret it...but it will follow me. I have found something that for me is unreachable and unchallenged by any other. Sounds foolish doesn't it? Someday, I hope that you can find that. It is the best feeling in the world. Pain may accompany, but that is a fact of life. I feel gifted to have felt this and I hope with all my essence that it never goes away. Because I know, that for the rest of my life, I will never be the same. I am forever changed, and I thank you for it.

This still isn't turning out the way that I wanted it to. But I know this much for sure... I am highly confused right now but am very clear on one thing. But I know that if I say it, it will go away, just like everything else always does. A hope, a dream, turns any good thing into but only the briefest of moments. I know what is going on with me, I just need to know what is going on with the rest of the world....

Hope your holidays are much better than mine....